The journey always travelled

Thanks to our hot summer, Winnipeg has little to no mosquitoes. And since no mosquitoes, that means no fogging! One of the funny results was that dragonflys are now quite common IN the city. I went for a walk at noon time and was gently surrounded by the trees, the wind and seriously hundreds of dragonflies. They had no cares in the world (other than the large lawnmower that suddenly startled them), and just fluttered about.

On the way there, I had the forest on one side of me and the busy road way on the other. Exactly how my life felt. As if for the past many months I had been starting at the cement, at the onslaught of cars coming down the highway. The forest was always next to me, I just didn't look at it, I couldn't.. I didn't even want to.

I was waiting for the cars to stop. So I could have silence and then look to the trees. Once I found my little pathway into the forest, I just looked up at the sky. So blue, so still, so calm. I wish I could just stay here.

Growing up was hard this year (I tend to still define a year as in the school year). I moved out for the first time, thinking it would be life as usual. I didn't count the hours needed to just keep my house clean, tend to my new cats, do the laundry, buy groceries, let alone tend to myself! I was then frustrated at myself being burnt out. Perhaps I was being 'Martha' 24/7... do this/do that. But no time to rest. For if I did, I felt incredibly guilty that I took time to stop and rest. My life motto had always been; 'serve others.. then you will serve yourself'.. or something crazy like that. Don't tend to yourself first, don't buy anything for yourself (other then the basics), help others first because... well just because.

I started a new program/course which focused entirely on me. This was quite hard. Not only did I have to admit I was needy (argh, anything but, please!), but I couldn't even pray for others. I could only spill open my heart and hope that someone would help me. In half a year, I discovered large things about myself and had others validated that were only small hidden disappointments. Since the later had happened in the church or with close immediate family, I told no one. Because nobody wants to hear about your personal secrets... usually all you'll get is.. 'oh, thats too bad (pat on the head), but we're not sure what to do with you. How about we'll pray and that will fix EVERYTHING'. It was like an imaginary bandaid was put on my wound, yet I was told it's gone! Jesus has fixed it! Last time I checked, most of my wounds were still there, I just covered everything up so I could fit in better. No one wants a needy friend...

I learned that I had an upside down view of grace. I knew of the word, yet had none of it for myself. If someone prayed for grace for me, I suddenly expected that I would do something wrong and screw up, and then God would have to give me grace to continue on. Finally after a weekend of feeling like I was running out of gas and to nowhere, I finally realized I was trying to be perfect. I battled with perfectionism to the highest degree. Nothing short or less would do, and if that happened, I'd be severely harsh on myself.

I could psycho analyze myself and say its because I had many traumatic events in my young life, and since I couldn't control the grown ups around me who were supposed to provide me safety (even God too), well then I had to learn to control the bad things and good things that happened to me. I slapped on the smiley face because that is what was expected. 'Stay strong, you can do it, I believe in you'... etc etc etc. Failure was not an option. Ever. In my faith as well.

I had to be perfect because Jesus was perfect. In fact, I could 'do all things through Christ who gave me strength'. I had 'the mind of Christ', I was the head and not the tail, I had the same power of resurrection life flowing through me as Jesus did and so on and so on. Basically, thanks be to Jesus for saving me, now move over please, because apparently I can be you (perfect) and do everything that you (Jesus) did. I got a vision of me leaving Jesus in the dust, literally. I could barely see him as I walked backwards away.. but there He waited.

I still struggle with this. And its only 1/7th (I'm making up this number) of what I learned. Boundaries (with work and family, healthy relationships (having healthy expectations of my female friends when they leave single land to go to married land), forgiveness (seriously its ongoing), and grace grace grace. If I loved tattoos, I'd get it tattooed on my heart.

As I pray for this long, ongoing season to end, I just want to see the forest from the trees and stop being lost in it all. As a friend said to me, I'm going to wait till things are more settled down. However, I don't think they will ever be.

For now, I must look to the sky and look towards the author and perfecter of my faith. Grace and forgiveness is never ending. I will always need them. Until I see Him face to face.