Relational Exclusivity

Ah yes, I discovered one of my weak points, one of my faults. It's called relational exclusivity and I wish to have exclusivity with all. It must come from being an only child/grandchild/niece for so long. The whole not sharing, or whats worse, seeing someone not share with you. Sometimes its not sharing the attention (or relationship), its seeing the secrets or attention pass you by.

When you are young this is very easy to target.. you don't share things or food or toys. But when you get older if you aren't cool enough, you may long for the cool girl to talk to you so she can be your friend, or the cool guy (!) to talk to you so that your below 0 status can be elevated to abit more on the plus side! This is worse when blatant ignoral by the cool people is done in your face. whisperwhisper.. nudgenudge.. gigglegiggle.. (HELLO IM RIGHT HERE!)

The hilarious part is that the cool people have the same struggles as you, and are just as insecure as you too.

I truly hate this and wish it had stopped in junior high. I wish I could stop feeling left out, stop feeling the need to be validated by a 'friend', stop feeling that I care. But I guess I do.. I care what others think, or if I think they can trust me. It's like elementary, junior high and high school all over again. Whether it be what they'd be wearing to school the next day, or who they were dating or marrying.

Yes, this is one of my needy areas. I never talk about these. As normal humans we don't talk about how we are needy, because then it seems we are leaches or draining or have too many problems. Here we go.. I need to feel loved and trusted and accepted by my friends... probably my family too.. but I'm working on that one as well.

I can only be thankful I don't have this with Jesus! 'Sorry Alyssa I can't listen to you, I'm listening to Jane's prayers right now.. Oh, whats that? Yes, sorry, I gave out all the healing I will today to Jane'.

So if I have ignored you, assumed we could all go out as a group, or have not shared a secret with you. I'm sorry.